It will be without us.

Where do you go when you have reached the end? Do you find a new beginning or do you sit and wait for something to happen? I don’t know.

We’ve been married for twenty years. We’ve been together for almost twenty-five, or roughly half of our lives. That’s a long time by anyone’s description. But people used to stay together until they died, which could take 50, 60 or more years. Not anymore.

We don’t have the same interests or the same kinds of friends. He tells me that I am a loner and he needs people, lots of people. Why didn’t he see that twenty five years ago? Or even twenty two before he proposed? I’ve always been this person. And from what he told me tonight, he’s always been the person he is and he has no intention of changing it, obviously not even for me.

I wanted it to be different for so long, almost from our first year. Maybe we should have called it then, when we went on our one year anniversary trip and had the least romantic week of our lives. Who chooses Disney for a one year anniversary? I can’t even remember why we did anymore, I just remember it being awful and uncomfortable. Feeling resentment and disappointment from both sides.

We used to have a good sex life until we had kids, or maybe it was right around the time that we got married? I remember right before the wedding crying that I didn’t see the point of going on a honeymoon if we weren’t even having sex at home – what was the point of going to Jamaica to have sex? As it turned out, we did every night on our honeymoon. But once we were back home we were back to square one. So many nights, weeks, even months would go by without any intimacy.

He was demanding in so many ways, and unhappy with me in more ways. I was frustrated with his temper and his arrogance. He resented my disorganization and my middle class presentation. Some of the cute, “couples” things that we did in the beginning he began to rebuff. I would pinch his butt as he walked in front of me up the stairs or down the hall – he started waving my hand away and telling me to stop. He kissed me like he would kiss his grandmother, and I tried to tell myself that he wasn’t a PDA kind of guy and that was alright.

I moved to various locations for his career and took on the role as if I were a pioneer woman. Always looking for ways for us to “fit in” and to make our life as a family wherever we went. Trying to be “local”, to assimilate within our community. He worked tireless hours and stayed late with his work friends, coming home after 8pm most nights. I was basically a single parent most days.

And now one more move has come up and I have come to my senses. I won’t move this time, and our children have no desire to leave what we finally call home. He wants this new position of power and prestige. He wants the bigger money, the fancy car, the exotic location and the California zip code. He tells me that if he doesn’t take this job he will resent it for the rest of his life. He will resent me, even though he doesn’t say that out loud, but I know what he is expressing. He wants what he wants, with or without us.

It will be without us.


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