Seriously, is it me?
Am I too dumb or stupid to get the idea? Am I missing the social cues that others can see or hear? How did I get here??
I feel as if I’ve put in all that I have to give for so long and now I just can’t any longer. I am spent. I am exhausted with the charade of trying to be the perfect wife/partner/girl friday.
I am not what he wants, or needs, at this point in his life. I am dysfunctional by his definition. I “hate people”, I “hate social functions”, and the best…I don’t have any friends. I am the reason that we are not invited to social gatherings or invited to join other couples. Me.
I remember being a different person in the beginning, when I had nothing to lose and nobody to rely on. I was independent, struggling sometimes, but independently so. I would make it to payday with the change in my couch and car to pay my tolls while I packed a sack lunch. And I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and didn’t ask permission. I was poor, but happy. I could look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who was looking back at me.
I believed that we were a partnership, that we were supporting each other for a shared future. But that was not the case. I was only the caretaker of a spoiled child. A mother figure, a secretary, a gopher. Someone who smoothes out the rough edges and makes a house a home. A gap filler.
But you know what? I deserve more than that. I deserve love. I deserve for someone to truly worry about my well-being, to miss me when I am gone, to hold me when I am scared or feeling lost, to kiss me long and slow. I deserve to have someone in my life who is proud of who I am and who loves me for being me.
I deserve love. Real love.
So, I am willing to drop it all and walk away. I am not afraid, because I am strong, and smart, and independent, and kind, and beautiful. I am giving, and loving, and funny.
And one day I will find the right person who agrees with me and loves me for who I am.