Every time. I knew.

Bonneville Salt Flats, UT

Out into the great wide open!Every time. I knew.

It came about so slowly, almost imperceptibly, but it happened. I didn’t really see it happening at the time, until it was too late and I couldn’t go back and fix it or undo it or stop it. The missteps, the lost moments, the hurt feelings. I knew it all along, but I didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to admit that it wasn’t normal or right.

Every time you walked out of the room while I was still talking, I knew that you weren’t listening.

Every time you checked your email or phone messages while I was telling you about my day, I knew that you weren’t interested in my life.

Every time you questioned the plans that I made for our vacations or the choices I made for our kids’ education or the gifts that I chose for others, I knew that you didn’t trust my judgement.

Every time you made plans for a weekend that didn’t include me or our children I knew that you didn’t value me, or us.

Every time you pointed out my flaws or mistakes in public, among friends or family, I knew that you thought I was stupid.

Every time you needed to be drunk to have sex with me, I knew that you didn’t find me attractive.

Every time you came home late from work, with or without a work reason, I knew that you didn’t want to spend time with me.

Every time you bought me an expensive gift that I didn’t need or ask for, I knew that you were avoiding learning about me.

Every time you humiliated me in public with your drunken behavior, I knew that you didn’t consider me or my feelings.

Every time you left me standing alone at a party dressed up for you, I knew that you didn’t see me.

Every time I asked you to see me, to hear me, to feel me, to love me…

you turned away from me.

It was slow, sad and heart wrenching, but it happened. Finally I stopped expecting you to be there to support me, to think of me, to love me, to choose me.

Every time will no longer be.


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