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Nobody died.

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I have realized that I am in the midst of a new trend in my life. The “firsts”.

My first Valentine’s Day, my first Mother’s Day, soon to be my first prom weekend (but then again, it was that way last year in reality) and further down the road my first Thanksgiving and my first Christmas. It’s like living after losing a loved one, as if someone has died. Which, I suppose, is true in a sense.

It occurred to me what people/professionals mean when they compare a divorce to a death on the scale of experience and stress. It is very similar in so many ways, I agree. And yet, I wonder if it isn’t just a bit more complicated. There are supposedly “five stages of grief”, but maybe there are more for divorce. Maybe certain stages need to be repeated, almost endlessly like a scratched record, before you get to the good stuff.

I want it to be that simple, linear experience.

I feel bad today, I will feel worse tomorrow, and maybe even worse than worse the day after, but about a week (or month, or year) from now it I will miraculously feel better because I’ve accomplished my list of “to do’s when you get divorced”. A checklist of sorts that will make a person feel accomplished and lighter when all of the items have been checked off. Is there a checklist somewhere that I just don’t know about?

I need to know what “the plan” is, you know?

That’s how I do things, I plan. I make lists. I like to check off items on my lists, too. I assess, react and plan, for the most part. Of course, I also follow my gut and my heart along the way, but tempered with “common sense”. I’m not a complete freak, for goodness sakes!

But this whole divorce road is dark and foggy. There are some days that I feel ready to move on and tackle my new life, the sun comes out and I jump out of bed, with new focus and positivity. Then other days I could just as easily stay in my pajamas, not shower and eat cookies and chips while I watch TV all day. Sometimes I can string a few of each day together, so by the end of the week it looks as if I’ve been away on vacation and home sick, all at the same time.

I realize that “every divorce is different” so there is no real paved road to follow. But are we all going through the same emotional rollercoaster, or is it just me? I feel as if there are some people that just deal with it and barely miss a step in their normal lives during this tedium of details and highs and lows – my soon to be ex, for example. But I’m sure that other people are more like me, going about their business thinking that they have cleared the “bad stage” and are on their merry way to the “good stuff” only to be blindsided by anxiety while they replay that entire last argument in their head at 2am.

Grief has many stages, and plays out differently for everyone, I get it. But let’s not compare it to dealing with a death anymore, okay? That other person who ripped your heart out? Yeah, they’re still alive, inserting themselves into your life at different intervals of time and for a plethora of reasons, especially if you share children.

They are out, and living the life that they wanted to…just not with you.

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One thought on “Nobody died.

  1. I’ve never been divorced, but I was abandoned by my dad shortly after my mom died (when I was 16). I used to compare it to losing my mother, so I can empathize a bit with what you’re saying. At some point, I had to realize that it really wasn’t the same as losing someone to death; it’s worse because the person is still there, choosing a different life.

    Like

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