I know that this entire experience is life changing for my entire family. Believe me, I’ve been there as a child, so I get it. Divorce, while painfully common these days, still sucks.
And I understand that with that idea comes attitude changes, adjustments, figuring out our new ‘normal’ – there will be good days and there will be dark, ugly days. Or weeks…
I’m trying to understand. I’m trying to give each one of our boys the space, the understanding and the love that they need each day, even when I just don’t have it in me.
But I’m struggling lately. Really struggling.
Maybe I should blame it on summer vacation? Maybe this would all feel easier, less overwhelming, if I could fold it all into a tightly organized schedule? Then I could only allow so much time each day to dwell upon it and only so much of my attention to be caught up in it. Blocks of time to deal with bite-sized pieces. I wouldn’t have the luxury of free time!
And my boys would be busy, with school and activities, so they would have less time to think about things and ruminate on details that they truly have no control over, making them all a bit more pleasant and not nearly as combative.
It’s not just one of them either. Oh no, they’re a tag team of resentment, disappointment and frustration each and every day. Just when I think we’re in this as a solid team one of them goes rogue on me and let’s me know that I’m not the magic, cool, entertaining, wonderful mom they thought I was – nor do I have complete control of our lives as they previously believed. It’s as if I killed off Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny all at once.
It’s a let down, I know. I thought I was all of those things too, most days. But lately, I’m just feeling beat and exhausted. Beat up, beaten down, sucker punched, any way you can imagine to describe the feelings of pure ineptitude. On a daily basis.
Maybe I should just get everyone boxing lessons, and take myself out of the ring for awhile? I think I’m punch drunk.