Cry until I can’t anymore

They told me there’d be days like these, but I thought I was tougher than that, stronger than this.

I’m not.

I have been fighting it, holding it in, pushing it down for the most part for the last six months. But I am tired, I am beaten up and feeling depleted and exhausted. I am giving up trying to hold it together. I need a time out. From life.

This summer has been the summer of overwhelming mental paralysis, tempered with moments of happiness and celebration. Some days I can barely form full sentences, the words elude me and I can’t remember my point. I have no drive to do anything productive or take care of anything or anyone above the bare minimum. Other days, I am happy and optimistic, chatty and smiling, crossing off my “to do” list of tasks, looking forward to a new chapter in my life that I can write my own story without a live-in editor or critic. Looking forward to a happy future.

Does that make me manic-depressive? Or just crazy?

I know that “this too shall pass” but seriously, that idea isn’t cutting it for my day to day life. I am snarky, mean, hurtful and demanding one minute and then I feel horrible for being that way and I cry. Honestly, I am crying everyday for one reason or another. And sometimes more than once. I don’t cry long, just often.

My kids probably want to run away from me by this point, and really to be honest, I wouldn’t mind it if they did. I could use some down time without having to think of what everyone else needs, or how they feel, for a little while. I would welcome my phone not ringing, my email going blank and my calendar sitting empty for just a little while.

I feel as if the walls are closing in on me and I can’t escape, I can’t breathe. I need it all to stop for just a little while so I can remember what it’s like to have a somewhat normal life with normal distractions. Not filled with lawyers, therapists, realtors, doctors, brokers, and any other professional that I have had to contact or work with the last six months.

I know that divorce is never easy, but I had no idea what it would do to my mental wellness. I am overwhelmed with so many different feelings that somedays I find it difficult to express just what I’m feeling. Or what I’m thinking – there is so much going on in my mind, day and night. But I think the biggest feeling is resentment. I resent the idea that he is still doing pretty much whatever he wants to do, or feels like doing, without any accountability while I am still taking care of the details of our lives and our family.

He chose his job over his family, it’s as simple as that, but somehow the message I keep hearing is that I should be more cooperative and collaborative, more understanding. I have to consider his feelings and how this is affecting him. It’s so stressful that he can’t see his sons very often, that he lives so far away, and the travel on weekends is really exhausting…really?

All the while, I have to prove my financial needs for a family of four, at a table full of people with pens in hand to scratch off or adjust my numbers, while he offers that he already knows what he can afford so there is no need to put it on paper or be held accountable. He wants to get on with his life, so he tells me in heated discussions, and yet, not enough to work out a reasonable settlement. He is a spoiled child that wants it all his way, at any cost.

I need “these days” to be over. I need my kids to go back to school so I can be alone with my disappointment and resentment, and to just cry until I can’t anymore.

 

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2 thoughts on “Cry until I can’t anymore

  1. I certainly can’t speak for him (your husband), but I am in a similar situation. I have taken a position that is out of state and no one in my family is crazy about the idea. I’m not particularly fond of the job (of course, it’s hard for me to tell, because I am dealing with my own guilt in taking the job), but it is our only source of income. I have been trying to find a decent job back home, but nothing is happening. We have so many expenses at the moment, and downsizing isn’t much of an option since homes have drastically increased in cost and our mortgage is now cheaper than a rent in an apartment. We also have no savings, since I was laid off for over a year and we used our savings to live on. My wife has not found work, and the work she has found is essentially minimum wage and the I have only been able to find minimum wage work. The job I have is a 6 figure income, health benefits fully paid by the company, company matching 401 (k) and I travel is rare, so I would be able to be home with my family every night and weekend, if my wife wanted to move with me. Unfortunately, she is refusing and insinuates I’m choosing the job over my family – for me, I feel like I would be able to support us both if we were divorced, better than if we were together and working two minimum wage jobs. (Currently, I literally make more than double a combined full time, minimum wage job with both of us working).

    Like I said, I don’t know it from your ex’s point of view, but the situation is similar and I only want to take care of my family.

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  2. While I understand where you are coming from, and I really applaud you for looking for a job at all costs to support your family, I have to say that our situation was much different. We live a very good life, in a beautiful home in an affluent suburb. He made more than enough money to support us all, and have the extras. He took the job because it was another step up the corporate ladder, a notch on his belt, not to put food on the table or a roof over our heads.

    Plus, we have already moved a few times during our marriage – living in Germany, Hong Kong and Connecticut – for his career. This is the first home that our kids have ever known to be fully ours (not a rental) and to have friends for longer than a couple of years. This is our real home, where our boys say they are “from”. And our agreement when we moved here, closer to our families, was that we would stay for at least ten years. It was five when he was offered the position.

    Honestly, if the kids were willing, I probably would have gone because that’s what a good wife does, isn’t it? But our boys are old enough to remember the struggles of new schools and new neighborhoods, especially since our middle son was going into sophmore year last year, with the idea that he would be a junior in high school moving across the country, to graduate with strangers. And our youngest only remembers living here, near our families and having his friends.

    So, the bottom line is, he took the job for himself and nobody else. Not for the health and wellbeing of his kids or his wife, not to improve our lives. It’s just about him. And in my opinion, with regards to your wife, moving is not the end of the world and can bring along so many positive new experiences and opportunities. I have to say that we have many good memories about our moves and the people we were fortunate enough to meet along the way. But if your marriage is already rocky and unstable, a move will not make that any better.

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