They told me there’d be days like these, but I thought I was tougher than that, stronger than this.
I have been fighting it, holding it in, pushing it down for the most part for the last six months. But I am tired, I am beaten up and feeling depleted and exhausted. I am giving up trying to hold it together. I need a time out. From life.
This summer has been the summer of overwhelming mental paralysis, tempered with moments of happiness and celebration. Some days I can barely form full sentences, the words elude me and I can’t remember my point. I have no drive to do anything productive or take care of anything or anyone above the bare minimum. Other days, I am happy and optimistic, chatty and smiling, crossing off my “to do” list of tasks, looking forward to a new chapter in my life that I can write my own story without a live-in editor or critic. Looking forward to a happy future.
Does that make me manic-depressive? Or just crazy?
I know that “this too shall pass” but seriously, that idea isn’t cutting it for my day to day life. I am snarky, mean, hurtful and demanding one minute and then I feel horrible for being that way and I cry. Honestly, I am crying everyday for one reason or another. And sometimes more than once. I don’t cry long, just often.
My kids probably want to run away from me by this point, and really to be honest, I wouldn’t mind it if they did. I could use some down time without having to think of what everyone else needs, or how they feel, for a little while. I would welcome my phone not ringing, my email going blank and my calendar sitting empty for just a little while.
I feel as if the walls are closing in on me and I can’t escape, I can’t breathe. I need it all to stop for just a little while so I can remember what it’s like to have a somewhat normal life with normal distractions. Not filled with lawyers, therapists, realtors, doctors, brokers, and any other professional that I have had to contact or work with the last six months.
I know that divorce is never easy, but I had no idea what it would do to my mental wellness. I am overwhelmed with so many different feelings that somedays I find it difficult to express just what I’m feeling. Or what I’m thinking – there is so much going on in my mind, day and night. But I think the biggest feeling is resentment. I resent the idea that he is still doing pretty much whatever he wants to do, or feels like doing, without any accountability while I am still taking care of the details of our lives and our family.
He chose his job over his family, it’s as simple as that, but somehow the message I keep hearing is that I should be more cooperative and collaborative, more understanding. I have to consider his feelings and how this is affecting him. It’s so stressful that he can’t see his sons very often, that he lives so far away, and the travel on weekends is really exhausting…really?
All the while, I have to prove my financial needs for a family of four, at a table full of people with pens in hand to scratch off or adjust my numbers, while he offers that he already knows what he can afford so there is no need to put it on paper or be held accountable. He wants to get on with his life, so he tells me in heated discussions, and yet, not enough to work out a reasonable settlement. He is a spoiled child that wants it all his way, at any cost.
I need “these days” to be over. I need my kids to go back to school so I can be alone with my disappointment and resentment, and to just cry until I can’t anymore.