I sit still, paralyzed with fear and disbelief, and the burning gets stronger. The pit of my stomach, churning and roiling, I wish I could just throw up but I can’t. I wish I could start drinking and blur the world for just a little while, but I’m too responsible. My kids need a solid parent to be present in their lives right now, not a needy one.
It whirls around in my head. Every comment, every text, every email, every meeting.
I remember everything he’s said for the past eight months and it zips around inside of my head. I know that it shouldn’t, there is nothing that I can do to change any of it or make it go away. It’s out there and will remain so, so why am I ruminating? Obsessing? Some days it subsides, and my day opens up with sunshine and happy thoughts. I make plans, I look forward to the future, I laugh, and I remember who I am and who I used to be. I try to be that person again, to reclaim my true self, and live in the moment.
Then the other days happen and I am knocked down, dizzy and panting. Wanting to cry. Every minute of every day. I can’t focus, I can’t finish anything, I am paralyzed with fear over the future. I am sick of it all. And I am tired.
I just want to lay down, and stay there, until this is all over. I need to disappear.
Everyone tells me that it’s not me, I’m not the problem. It never was me. It’s him. He’s the jerk, he’s the thoughtless, heartless, selfish, sad case of a man. I am not the reason or the cause of any of this. It’s all him, and it’s always been there, I just chose to look past it, or ignore it.
I used to tell my friends and family that I know he’s an asshole. I really did. But, if I am ever in need of an advocate, someone to stand up for me and our kids, I am glad that he’s my asshole.
He’s the guy who gets shit done.
He’s the one people listen to, he’s the one that gets people moving in his demanded direction. But, I never thought I would be on the other side, on the receiving end of his tirade. I never imagined that he would lash out at me and work so hard to tear me down, and shift the earth beneath me. But he has, and he will.
He slowly strips away any and all safety that I thought I had, that I used to feel. He makes me question everything. I’ve lost trust, I’ve lost faith, that the process will deliver and it will all be okay in the end.
It will deliver, but it delivers for the noise maker, the screamer, the asshole.
It always does.