Tomorrow is “the day”. After almost a year, we are meeting in a courthouse to sign the final marriage settlement agreement – or MSA for those of you in the know. And that’s truly a good turn around by all accounts that I have heard, and read. Our intention was to “be done by August”, but you both have to agree on what “done” will look like for that to become a reality, and we haven’t been doing much agreeing lately.
A courthouse, not the way it all began, but the way it will end. Two people who have spent half of a lifetime together, facing it’s many challenges, raising three boys and moving and traveling around the world.
And all I can think about is “what should I wear?”
Odd, but true. What does one wear to their divorce hearing, to pull the plug on their marriage? Should I dress up in something fancy, like I would for a special occasion? We do that for funerals, don’t we? And it’s often been said that divorce is like a death, so it seems fitting.
Or, should I dress like my regular everyday self, in jeans and a casual shirt or hoodie, with gym shoes or boots? But, will that make me look as though I’m not taking this seriously? That I am not moved emotionally by the gravity of the event?
One glaring fact, that is making this decision process even more challenging, is the idea that almost nothing in my closet fits me at this point. After a long year of stress, struggle, depression (and lots of alcohol and carbs) I have added a little extra “padding” around my middle – about twenty pounds, honestly. And of course, I have convinced myself that I will lose it once this is all over and I can think clearly enough to eat healthy and exercise like I used to do in my old life, in my married life when I thought I knew what the future had in store for me. So, I refuse to buy a bigger size because that would be like admitting defeat, giving up. And I’m no quitter.
Unless you’re talking about my marriage, obviously.
I think I know what he will be wearing, though. He has two styles of public “uniform”. It will either be a well-pressed suit, shirt and tie to show the court (and anyone looking) that he is indeed too cool, too smart and too fashionable to be shackled with this troll standing beside him. He’s on his way up and I am just dead weight without any style, or personality, that has been holding him back.
Or, it will be the casual polo shirt and designer jeans with his new low-cut Chuck E. Taylors (that has been his divorce uniform for our mediation meetings the last six months, because, I guess he’s now 25…) to show he’s just a regular guy trying to do the right thing and not lose his life’s work and savings to this gold-digging shrew of a wife standing next to him.
But this isn’t about him, it’s about me and my fashion crisis. Who knew that divorce would be this difficult to dress for?