What is she thinking?

Over the last few weeks, after the shocking news of my ex not only having a “long term serious girlfriend”, but also moving her into our family home and planning to get engaged in the next couple of weeks (a fact he threw into his response, more than once, to my attorney’s letter reminding him that the parenting agreement stated that he must wait at leasts six months to introduce any new significant other to our children), I have been trying to wrap my head around something. I am trying to understand this from all angles and all sides.

What is she thinking? Honestly, what is going on inside of her head? Or is she that selfish?

She, being his new special someone (I casually refer to her as his “gold digging whore girlfriend” but “special someone” is quicker to type) What can she possibly be thinking?

When she met him, at work, he was a married man with three kids. He was her boss, her supervisor, her mentor. When she attended the holiday party, that we hosted in our home, she met his wife and three kids more than once during the planning process. She ate dinner with them. She was an invited guest into their family home.

At what point did she think “why not me? I could live like this.” At what point did it begin? Was it while we were married, before or after she was a guest in our house, or once we were separated? Of course, I will never know the full details and I probably would still find it difficult to believe him even if it did start after we were separated.

He hasn’t been very transparent up until now. He has lied about the smallest of things.

But still, when and why do women accept dating a man who is “separated”? Isn’t that a risky venture? Isn’t it possible that he could reconcile his marriage and try again, or realize that he’s making a huge mistake personally, professionally and financially and go back to status quo?

Personally, I have never gone down that path myself, so I have no idea.

And now that she is moving in with him, in a home that entertained not only her but her other young coworkers and his older colleagues, will they have a party with some of those same guests in the near future?  Maybe to celebrate their engagement, and what will those people say?

“Wow, I’m so happy for you! What a great house, I love what you’ve done with the place, what a great life you have now!”

“Yeah, his ex-wife was such a bitch, wasn’t she? I mean, that party they threw a few years ago, how she helped organize it all and was acting all friendly by talking to everyone? God, he is so lucky to have you now. You two were meant for each other!”

Will they gladly accept the invitations and pretend that I never existed, that they never met me?

Or will they look at her with disbelief and wonder, wondering what she was thinking and when did it begin? Maybe they already knew it was going on and they were in on the secret. And some of the older women, who are wives of his colleagues, are they beginning to worry or wonder about the future of their marriage now? His friends’ wives, too. They should be looking at this and wonder when will it happen to them.

This is too surreal and too close to home for many of these women, in their fifties and sixties.

Do her parents clap with joy that their “spinster” daughter (over 30 and unmarried is not easy for a young woman to face at holiday parties with family) has finally found a man – even if he was married to someone else for twenty years first, and already has three children from that marriage – he will make their daughter incredibly happy, provide well for her, put her in his big, beautiful house and bless them with more grandchildren!

She is so lucky! They are so proud!

Are they excited, even overjoyed, to see an older man walk through their door to meet them that is almost the same age as they are? That doesn’t make anyone uncomfortable or question it? Maybe they figure that they’ll have more in common with him, or he can continue to parent her, relieving them of their worry.

Or did her mother shake her head in disbelief, and warn her that it was bad karma?

Does she know the hateful things he tells his kids and writes to me, his ex-wife? Or does she assume that he’s polite and courteous and “trying” to be amicable, but his ex-wife is a crazy bitch? I would guess that he’s not sharing some of his hateful diatribe with her, by email or text. And his conversations with his boys are most likely out of range for her to hear, or texted while she isn’t around. Then again, maybe they are and she is being supportive of him for standing up to his spoiled brat kids, who only call to ask for something, and don’t support him in his new life. Don’t accept them as a couple.

How does she just move in to a home that he shared with his wife only a year ago, and not feel weird, uncomfortable, like a thief? How does she sleep in his marital bed, use the same towels, hang her clothes in the same closet and sit at the same kitchen counter drinking coffee that he shared with his wife before her, and not feel some queasiness or guilt? Does she feel my presence in some of the rooms? Does she pretend that I am dead?

And then there are children involved that need to be considered. He has been pushing for them to not only meet her, but accept her, and accept them as a couple. Is she going along with this course of action willingly, or just following his lead? If she is going along with it, it only proves how disconnected she is to the idea of raising kids, protecting them, because she hasn’t had any yet. She hasn’t felt the pang of regret or sadness when she is unable to protect them from the ugly truths or disappointments of life.

And why would she want to, or allow to be, forced upon his kids and risk the resentment that will surely come from it? Does she seriously believe that once they get to know her they will just love her and it will all be okay? They will be okay with another woman sleeping in their mom’s bedroom. That this story has a happy, wholesome family ending?

They will be a happy “blended family”. Possibly she is just delusional.

I can’t wrap my head around it, any of it. I feel as if I am a character in some weird movie, who wasn’t give the script, so I am ad-libbing my way through each surprise and plot twist. I don’t understand. I am a woman. I have been a young, single woman. I have had my share of married, separated and divorced men approach me. Hit on me. But, I have never considered any of those scenarios as a possible solution to my relationship struggles of being single. There are too many strings and loose ends. And I don’t want to be “that woman”.

Obviously, I don’t know what she is thinking, because I’ve never been like her.



12 thoughts on “What is she thinking?

  1. Can I just say…it’s one thing to ‘move in’ on married man. One thing. It’s quite another to have come face to face with the woman he shared his life with and the humans he’s created, smile, and still make that move. We all know it takes two but still….that’s a lower way to go than most.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Larry says:

    I wrote earlier, but I am almost certain that I screwed up sending it by brushing a wrong key. Here’s a condensed version.

    He’s 50. She’s what – 32? Close enough. If she gave birth today, when that child is 18, he would be 68. Not dad age, grandpa age.

    When she’s 42, he will be 70. She will still be young (ish), probably vivacious and attractive. He will be tired. His career peaked some time ago, and he may well be retired. He will no longer be the powerhouse corporate executive, admired by (some) men, desirable for women. She wonders what the future holds. He could live on for quite some time. She’s stuck with a tired old man. The fireworks ended some time ago. He knows that, and worries, whether or not he expresses it.

    Along comes a man about her age, still on the ascendancy in his career. She is an expertly experienced wife by now; perhaps a mother as well, at least in her own mind. She sees the years ahead as being filled with gloomy emotional drudgery. They have no deep history such as he would have had with you.

    A small voice begins to rise. Get out. The younger man, eager to have her at his side, no basic training required, becomes increasingly blatant in his affection, desire and praise for her personal and social skills.

    So. Where it says all this going? Most likely where they both want it to go.

    So. Pour a nice glass of wine. Sit back, put your feet up. Your sons will join you in anticipation and observation of what is coming. Ol’ Ray will be in a free fall. The trophy wife will move on to her ‘real’ love and marriage. You betcha.

    It’s true – what goes around sometimes comes back around with force. Retribution. The golden years of his life become fraught with anxiety, emotional instability and humiliation. His cold cruelty will be repaid, and you get to watch.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Larry I like the way you think, and I appreciate your condensed version of the future. You forgot one thing, he will be paying for kids to finish college until he is well into his 70’s in that scenario as well, retirement may be out of reach for long while 😉
      Thanks for your support, and I will most definitely pour that glass of wine and enjoy the show, in a seat from my happy life with my boys.

      Liked by 1 person

    • ladyinthemountains says:

      It doesn’t always work that way. My dad has been with his current wife for 30 years and she is only about 7 years older than I am. She wasn’t involved until way after my parents divorced and I do love her. They have had their struggles. She lives her life while he stays home and is old. Somehow, they make it work. I have no idea how.


  3. ladyinthemountains says:

    Larry may be right. Karma does have a way of coming around.
    I have the same thoughts about my es’s new gal. I call her weasel face bitch or WFB for short. As far as I know she was not in the picture before we separated nor do I care any more. He has known her longer than he has known me. They grew up together. She is a mother of her own two children but treats mine like crap and actually has told him that he has to choose between his family and her. My kids do not want to have anything to do with her. I was hoping when he ended up with someone, that she would make things better between us so was initially glad he had started seeing her. She is just an awful person though. I am glad she is not in our house. I got the house, he got his retirement. I figure I will eventually sell as I do not want to share this house with anyone else unless I can make major changes. I am constantly trying to remove him from the house.
    I forget, how old are your boys?

    Liked by 1 person

    • My boys are 11, 17 and 18. One thing I am happy about now is that I didn’t stay in the house, that would’ve driven me crazy eventually, I’m sure. Too many memories and not really “mine”. But then again, my boys wouldn’t have had to move (again) and that would have reduced everyone’s stress by about one thousand percent. In the long run, this is the best move for all of us and I know we will be happier for it.
      As for my ex’s new GDW (gold-digging whore) I am almost certain that she will want to have babies (she’s in her early thirties, so that’s a no-brainer) and that will only make me smile a Grinch like smile when our boys are grown and out of the house, and he’s still dealing with diapers, braces and travel team schedules. Not the retirement most men look forward to I would guess, especially after having done it already. But he isn’t thinking about that now, it’s all about getting the slaps on the back and knowing winks from his buddies and colleagues for trading up – later it will be laughing at his stupidity while they spend their days on the golf course or traveling without any cares. I can’t wait (evil grin) lol

      Liked by 1 person

  4. They all think the same thing: They are special and this is true love.

    If I may, I’ll add to the stories Larry told above. My future ex-sister-in-law had an affair with her married pastor. They both divorced and married each other. There was a 20 year age difference. It lasted about 10 years. He eventually had to get an actual job because his church disintegrated after the two of them got together. With all that time on the road his loving wife got lonely and bored. She dumped him for another guy, 9 years her junior. I think he could see the writing on the wall so he started interviewing candidates for the position of his new wife. He was actually married about 3 months after the divorce.

    These relationships don’t usually have a very long shelf life and I’ve heard many stories where they remain married because they feel they have to or are out of options, but they are miserable.


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