Over the last few weeks, after the shocking news of my ex not only having a “long term serious girlfriend”, but also moving her into our family home and planning to get engaged in the next couple of weeks (a fact he threw into his response, more than once, to my attorney’s letter reminding him that the parenting agreement stated that he must wait at leasts six months to introduce any new significant other to our children), I have been trying to wrap my head around something. I am trying to understand this from all angles and all sides.
What is she thinking? Honestly, what is going on inside of her head? Or is she that selfish?
She, being his new special someone (I casually refer to her as his “gold digging whore girlfriend” but “special someone” is quicker to type) What can she possibly be thinking?
When she met him, at work, he was a married man with three kids. He was her boss, her supervisor, her mentor. When she attended the holiday party, that we hosted in our home, she met his wife and three kids more than once during the planning process. She ate dinner with them. She was an invited guest into their family home.
At what point did she think “why not me? I could live like this.” At what point did it begin? Was it while we were married, before or after she was a guest in our house, or once we were separated? Of course, I will never know the full details and I probably would still find it difficult to believe him even if it did start after we were separated.
He hasn’t been very transparent up until now. He has lied about the smallest of things.
But still, when and why do women accept dating a man who is “separated”? Isn’t that a risky venture? Isn’t it possible that he could reconcile his marriage and try again, or realize that he’s making a huge mistake personally, professionally and financially and go back to status quo?
Personally, I have never gone down that path myself, so I have no idea.
And now that she is moving in with him, in a home that entertained not only her but her other young coworkers and his older colleagues, will they have a party with some of those same guests in the near future? Maybe to celebrate their engagement, and what will those people say?
“Wow, I’m so happy for you! What a great house, I love what you’ve done with the place, what a great life you have now!”
“Yeah, his ex-wife was such a bitch, wasn’t she? I mean, that party they threw a few years ago, how she helped organize it all and was acting all friendly by talking to everyone? God, he is so lucky to have you now. You two were meant for each other!”
Will they gladly accept the invitations and pretend that I never existed, that they never met me?
Or will they look at her with disbelief and wonder, wondering what she was thinking and when did it begin? Maybe they already knew it was going on and they were in on the secret. And some of the older women, who are wives of his colleagues, are they beginning to worry or wonder about the future of their marriage now? His friends’ wives, too. They should be looking at this and wonder when will it happen to them.
This is too surreal and too close to home for many of these women, in their fifties and sixties.
Do her parents clap with joy that their “spinster” daughter (over 30 and unmarried is not easy for a young woman to face at holiday parties with family) has finally found a man – even if he was married to someone else for twenty years first, and already has three children from that marriage – he will make their daughter incredibly happy, provide well for her, put her in his big, beautiful house and bless them with more grandchildren!
She is so lucky! They are so proud!
Are they excited, even overjoyed, to see an older man walk through their door to meet them that is almost the same age as they are? That doesn’t make anyone uncomfortable or question it? Maybe they figure that they’ll have more in common with him, or he can continue to parent her, relieving them of their worry.
Or did her mother shake her head in disbelief, and warn her that it was bad karma?
Does she know the hateful things he tells his kids and writes to me, his ex-wife? Or does she assume that he’s polite and courteous and “trying” to be amicable, but his ex-wife is a crazy bitch? I would guess that he’s not sharing some of his hateful diatribe with her, by email or text. And his conversations with his boys are most likely out of range for her to hear, or texted while she isn’t around. Then again, maybe they are and she is being supportive of him for standing up to his spoiled brat kids, who only call to ask for something, and don’t support him in his new life. Don’t accept them as a couple.
How does she just move in to a home that he shared with his wife only a year ago, and not feel weird, uncomfortable, like a thief? How does she sleep in his marital bed, use the same towels, hang her clothes in the same closet and sit at the same kitchen counter drinking coffee that he shared with his wife before her, and not feel some queasiness or guilt? Does she feel my presence in some of the rooms? Does she pretend that I am dead?
And then there are children involved that need to be considered. He has been pushing for them to not only meet her, but accept her, and accept them as a couple. Is she going along with this course of action willingly, or just following his lead? If she is going along with it, it only proves how disconnected she is to the idea of raising kids, protecting them, because she hasn’t had any yet. She hasn’t felt the pang of regret or sadness when she is unable to protect them from the ugly truths or disappointments of life.
And why would she want to, or allow to be, forced upon his kids and risk the resentment that will surely come from it? Does she seriously believe that once they get to know her they will just love her and it will all be okay? They will be okay with another woman sleeping in their mom’s bedroom. That this story has a happy, wholesome family ending?
They will be a happy “blended family”. Possibly she is just delusional.
I can’t wrap my head around it, any of it. I feel as if I am a character in some weird movie, who wasn’t give the script, so I am ad-libbing my way through each surprise and plot twist. I don’t understand. I am a woman. I have been a young, single woman. I have had my share of married, separated and divorced men approach me. Hit on me. But, I have never considered any of those scenarios as a possible solution to my relationship struggles of being single. There are too many strings and loose ends. And I don’t want to be “that woman”.
Obviously, I don’t know what she is thinking, because I’ve never been like her.