Live, learn and read

“We’re amazing people – after all – no one robs an empty house.”

– Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare, by Shahida Arabi 

I have begun reading a variety of books, and blogs, on divorce, narcissism (NPD) and depression in the last few months. That’s how I deal with things usually, I tackle problems and challenges in a somewhat clinical way. I do my research and due diligence to get the answers I need, the answers that help me not only understand my circumstances, but accept them and eventually move on. So, I read. 

A lot.

I read to make sense of things. I not only want to know what it is, or how it happened, but why it happened to me. What did I do, or not do, to attract this treatment or reaction? How did I allow myself to give up my true self and get mentally beaten down, while convincing myself that I was being loved, for so long?

Is it normal, common, typical?

Or is it just me? Am I broken, different?

I can talk about it until my head hurts, and I’ve cried until I’m depleted, but most of my friends and family are tired of listening to me, or will be soon. I still need to understand the why’s and how’s, though. I need to know what my part was in it all, how to avoid it in the future, possibly even how to help someone else eventually. 

I’m a researcher. It’s what I do.

I want to rebuild my armor with a new security system, I suppose. Adding in a new checkpoint, with a safety switch.

The phrase “live and learn” has been running through my mind on a continuous loop, for most of my life, if I am honest. From love relationships, to family disagreements and friendships gone sour, to career decisions. The problem appears to be that I’m not putting the idea of learning from experience into practice quite as often as I should. I am not only living, but more often than I care to admit, reliving these lessons without completely learning from them.

My own personal “Groundhog Day”. (I feel you, Bill Murray.)

So, in the hopes of learning from a truly painful lesson this time around, I am reading. I am reading everything I can find and searching for more. I am building a community for understanding. This way I can label it, learn about it, know the signs and feel stronger in the end.

Empowered. Protected. Prepared.

I think I read about doing this in a book one time…

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2 thoughts on “Live, learn and read

  1. There is a lot here I can relate to here. I work in a field that science – data and facts – matter. I seek to make decisions and make decisions definitively – human relationships, ironically enough, don’t have much room for facts and figures. So, I get where you are coming from on the need to know and the need to fix and the need to solve.

    My most recent therapist (gawd, I miss her…she helped me much better than any other) used to go through and exercise with me where she would ask, “What if you did nothing? What would it mean for you?” It struck me as deep, because 9 times out of 10, I already had the answer on what something meant for me, if I just accepted other people as they are – tigers are tigers, no matter how much you want them to be bunnies. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think many of us tend to want to understand things to accept them, and the easiest way to go about it (for me) is more clinically. The surprising part, for me, is that I’m more of a creative type and tend to see the “big picture” for many things. But when I really need to feel solid about something, and want reassurance that I’m not crazy or weird, I resort to the research/analytical side of my brain. It keeps me sane lol

      Your therapist (previous one) makes a good point, mine does something similar too. I’m still learning how to get to that conclusion and feel good about it – that’s the toughest part for me. Acceptance that there is really nothing that I could have done differently to change the final outcome, like you said tigers are tigers no matter how much you want them to be bunnies.

      Liked by 1 person

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