“We’re amazing people – after all – no one robs an empty house.”
– Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare, by Shahida Arabi
I have begun reading a variety of books, and blogs, on divorce, narcissism (NPD) and depression in the last few months. That’s how I deal with things usually, I tackle problems and challenges in a somewhat clinical way. I do my research and due diligence to get the answers I need, the answers that help me not only understand my circumstances, but accept them and eventually move on. So, I read.
I read to make sense of things. I not only want to know what it is, or how it happened, but why it happened to me. What did I do, or not do, to attract this treatment or reaction? How did I allow myself to give up my true self and get mentally beaten down, while convincing myself that I was being loved, for so long?
Is it normal, common, typical?
Or is it just me? Am I broken, different?
I can talk about it until my head hurts, and I’ve cried until I’m depleted, but most of my friends and family are tired of listening to me, or will be soon. I still need to understand the why’s and how’s, though. I need to know what my part was in it all, how to avoid it in the future, possibly even how to help someone else eventually.
I’m a researcher. It’s what I do.
I want to rebuild my armor with a new security system, I suppose. Adding in a new checkpoint, with a safety switch.
The phrase “live and learn” has been running through my mind on a continuous loop, for most of my life, if I am honest. From love relationships, to family disagreements and friendships gone sour, to career decisions. The problem appears to be that I’m not putting the idea of learning from experience into practice quite as often as I should. I am not only living, but more often than I care to admit, reliving these lessons without completely learning from them.
My own personal “Groundhog Day”. (I feel you, Bill Murray.)
So, in the hopes of learning from a truly painful lesson this time around, I am reading. I am reading everything I can find and searching for more. I am building a community for understanding. This way I can label it, learn about it, know the signs and feel stronger in the end.
Empowered. Protected. Prepared.
I think I read about doing this in a book one time…