It was a long summer, and an even longer year, since this all began. The highs have been very high, sometimes even giddy, and the lows have been even lower. My life is not a rollercoaster, no it’s something else. It’s more like an EKG reading, with large spikes followed by a series of smaller, less noticeable ones.
I had stopped planning or getting excited for a new path and a new home by the holidays. I’d stopped talking about the future with my kids, because it caused too much anxiety and disappointment.
I was in a holding pattern. I was chained to this unknown master of my fate.
I have learned, the hard way, that you need to look at all of the angles and think like a thief. What can I give up? What will it cost me, cost my children? What part am I missing? Is this really in my best interest? I learned not to trust anyone.
People can, and will, let you down.
The “process” was a long and tedious one with a stubborn, selfish man on the other end always pushing, always demanding, never giving. At least not without a fight.
It was very costly, too. Both monetarily and emotionally. For all of us.
But, the hard part is over, right? Now we can move on to our separate lives and begin anew! Find that true love, discover our true self, find our happiness without each other. Like an advertisement for detergent, “whiter, brighter and stays fresh longer!”
That’s all well and good to say, and even to try to believe, but we still have to continue to interact, communicate and cooperate on some major decisions in the future. We have kids.
Sharing in our children’s lives, for the rest of our lives, creates a sense of never truly being set free.
I want to be set free, I want to shrug off this heavy cloak of self-doubt and rejection and move on to a world that only brings me joy. I am ready to carve out my own life and my own future, and not to continue living in someone else’s reality, trying to fit into their version of who I am supposed to be and never quite measuring up. And I know that I am ready, truly ready, but I wonder if it’s completely possible with this invisible weight that holds onto me. Tugging at me. Making me doubt myself.
It’s an imposing shadow that clings to me, a constant worrying whisper in my ear, reminding me that I can’t change who I am, or who I’ve been. That person I’ve been for the last twenty five years? or most of my life if I’m honest, she can’t do this alone.
She’ll never make it.
But I feel it in my heart, in my soul, in my bones that I am ready to move forward and discover who that person is inside and what she’s capable of doing, of becoming. There once was a young girl, not that long ago, that was unafraid of the future and only saw opportunities, new experiences and new discoveries. She embraced the world with a smile and determination. She didn’t doubt her worth, or her intelligence, or her strength.
I want to meet her again.